What to Do After the Hug: Equipping in Individual Counseling, Part 1

A Word from Bob: As I write today’s post, my latest two books have just been released—they’re about equipping in marriage counseling and equipping in family counseling. Yet that raises a question, “But how do we become equipped in individual biblical counseling?” Glad you asked! In this mini-series, I’ll introduce you to my views on how to become a competent biblical counselor for individuals.

An Equipping Trilogy

In fact, perhaps it would be helpful to think of three of my books as a trilogy—a three-book equipping series.

Equipping in Individual Counseling: Gospel-Conversations: How to Care Like Christ

Equipping in Marriage Counseling: Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors

Equipping in Family Counseling: Gospel-Centered Family Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors

In today’s post, we’ll learn the first “step” in becoming equipped for individual counseling—the step of living the truth in love.

What to Do After the Hug

Over a decade ago, I presented seminars around the country entitled, What to Do After the Hug. The title conveyed the reality that while many people care deeply, after we hug or express empathy and concern, we’re not so sure what to do or say next. We’re not sure how to help—how to care like Christ.

I’d like us to notice something about that title. It is not, What to Say After the Hug.

Instead, it is, What to Do After the Hug.

Now obviously, what we say is vital. The title of my book makes that clear—Gospel Conversations. But before we say anything:

It is our life that is most important—how we live.

The Bible makes the identical point. Let’s take a look at Ephesians 4:15 to demonstrate the truth that:

Individual counseling—caring like Christ—begins first with living like Christ even before we are speaking like Christ.

Speaking **the Truth in Love or Living the Truth in Love?**

Many modern Bible versions translate Ephesians 4:15 like this:

“Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him, who is the Head, that is, Christ.”

However, the Apostle Paul selects a rare Greek word—in fact he really coins a word—that would best be translated as “truthing.” That is, we are to embody truth—gospel truth—in love. Are lives are to be a living, breathing, walking model and example of the gospel lived out.

Ponder this Greek word for “truthing” that Paul uses:

It means transparent, truthfulness, genuine, authentic, reliable, sincere.
It describes the person who ministers from a heart of integrity and Christlike, grace-oriented love.
It pictures the person whose relational style is transparent and trustworthy.
The tense and context of the word indicates that the body of Christ should continually, actively, and collectively be embodying truth in love as it walks together in intimate, vulnerable connection.

Paul likely had in mind Psalm 15 where the Psalmist asks:

“Who may dwell in your sanctuary?” He answers: “He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart” (Psalm 15:2).

Who can serve in God’s sanctuary, the church—the one who embodies the truth in relationships.

Gospel Truthing in Love

While “truthing” means more than speaking, it does not mean less than speaking. While it means more than sheer factual content, it does not mean less than the gospel fully applied. Paul uses the identical Greek word in Galatians 4:16. There he is clearly speaking of preaching, teaching, and communicating the truth of the gospel of Christ’s grace (salvation) applied to daily growth in Christ (progressive sanctification).

Combine Galatians 4:16 with Ephesians 4:15, both in context, and we find an amazing description of gospel-centered biblical counseling, of gospel conversations, of the personal ministry of the Word. Truthing in love involves:

Communicating gospel truth from my heart to your heart through how I live out Christ’s gospel, how I relate to you with Christ’s grace, and how I speak to you with Christ’s wisdom.

It’s the old adage that people don’t care how much we know until they know how much we care.

We’re just elaborating upon it:

People will know how well we truly know the gospel by how well we care like Christ.

An Example from My Life

Decades ago, when I was first being trained as a biblical counselor, I was “trying out my counseling skills” on my wife, Shirley. She made a wise, honest, grace-filled comment to me that has stayed with me for three decades.

“Bob, I don’t need a counselor right now, I need my husband right now.”

I was practicing skills from an empty, non-grace, low-gospel heart. Shirley longed for her husband to embody the gospel, to live the gospel, to give her grace from a grace-saturated heart.

**The Point for All Our Lives and Relationships**

So…before we expend much time and energy in this mini-series talking about equipping in individual counseling through gospel conversations, we each need to be asking whether Christ’s gospel of grace is saturating our hearts. Otherwise, we will apply these principles of gospel conversations more like powerless skills rather than like Christ-empowered truthing and loving.

Think of it like this. The Bible often uses the phrase, “let your conversation be…” That’s the way we should be thinking about individual counseling and gospel conversations—in the biblical sense of a way of life, a way of relating. We might say it like this:

Let your gospel conversation—your way of life—be saturated with gospel truth and love so that your actual conversations—the words you share in individual biblical counseling—will be saturated with gospel grace and power.